Nowadays, no matter how much I try to put off decisions until later,
I must admit that everything seems to bother me. For example, my
writing bothers me, because I have to be careful to be legible,
even to myself. I am quite sure I have had a stroke (the final
medical diagnosis is still pending), a small one I suppose,
since I still drive a few weeks after my 93rd birthday. At this
age, I must say that I do delight in people's amazement when
I tell them how old I am. But under all this is the knowledge
that I am the oldest male on either side of my family, maternal
or paternal, and I know I must go fairly soon. I just don't like
the idea.
I've floated on the remark "Been there, done that" for some time
now, but the notion that the moment is approaching when I can
no longer say this bothers me. The truth is, I don't want to go.
There are many reasons. For too long I have behaved as if I could
postpone going indefinitely, and thus have so many things that I must
do first. I don't want my successors to find out how much I could
have done that isn't done, not by a long shot. There are numerous
notes and letters I must write. There are places I've wanted
to travel, but never had the chance. Actually, each of you
can, if you think yourself into my age, fill out the list.
At least you can try to understand why I say that I hate to go.
